How strong are we?

We have no choice. Some items below could be offensive but if you can’t listen to true feelings then it’s all just sugar coated BS. Top 10 of 2008 1st quarter:

1. By March 1st we have received over $70,000 in medical bills – most paid by insurance but not all of it
2. Haven has another possible tumor growing back and will start chemo in a few weeks if we can’t hold them off
3. Kris has stage 1 hypertension – we’re getting this checked next week
4. I’m being checked today for a lump in my breast and endometriosis
5. An ex-wife (not mine) who, bless her selfish heart, decided on the day of Haven’s surgery that she would re-open the child support case and take us back in for more money. I think I forgot to say thank you – I didn’t have anything else going on this year! Not enough drama in CA!
6. Living in a state that is more expensive than CA! Yea my living quarters are cheaper but my electric went from $70 a month to over $450.00 for February
7. We spend over $500 a month in gas driving back and forth to Johns Hopkins
8. Kris can’t work – Haven needs 24 hour care by someone who knows her medical condition
9. I’m required to work and use it as my sanctuary (Kris is definitely stronger than me with dealing with this)
10. Haven no longer sleeps peacefully at night – last night I was kicked, pinched, and yelled at between the hours of 1am and 4am

Those are just my top 10 stresses so far. I know I’m pretty good at hiding everything I feel with a straight face – Kris also keeps it all bottled up inside. But lately I’ve started having my breakdowns. It’s random and it’s usually about the stupidest things. It’s just everything all at once. I start feeling as no one really understands what my daughter and we are going through. No one else lives it every day. Everyone looks at her and thinks she’s just normal but she’s not. I warned everyone a few weeks ago that she can be difficult but she doesn’t mean it. You need a tough skin in my house – we don’t handle sensitive types to well! :)

I have been told that maybe I need to go to therapy or maybe I should talk to a counselor or maybe I should be treated for depression. Well all of that may be true – but considering I have so much “free” time I don’t know where I could fit that in my schedule. I’m out of work so much it takes ½ a day to figure out what I was last working on when I do get back in.

How are we so strong? We’ve become robots. I feel like that donut commercial where you wake up, do your day, go to bed, wake up, do your day, go to bed…..just fumble through it.

I get emails that say – “we’re so happy Haven is getting better” – ummm….I’m confused because I don’t remember ever saying that and maybe someone knows something I don’t but she is not better. Considering something is growing back and we’ve had no other changes from the surgery – I’d say she’s worse off than she was before. Then I have emails that say – “everything is going to work out” – how do you know that? I don’t know that – Kris doesn’t know that. The doctors even say they don’t know that. If the higher beings helped her make it through surgery – WHY did they give it to her in the first place? Why do they give it to any child? It doesn’t make us stronger – it doesn’t help our faith – What is the plan when you give a child cancer? There was no miracle on the surgery – we just had a good surgeon who has done many surgeries. We had a great anesthesiologist. We have great Oncologists. They went to school for about 15 years and then worked their way up to get where they are. It was not a miracle to us. Just great doctors that do a lot of research and bring it to us. If my daughter dies – everyone will move on – we will not. I am about 99% sure that after April 4th my daughter will never be the same – this is the last that anyone who has loved her will know her as she is. She has had no changes for the good since surgery so we will have a difficult time fighting against her getting chemo.

Anyway, this is my therapy session as best as I have time for.